Turn off the lights.

I'm obsessed with find something wrong with the most perfect picture you can hand me. It's normal I'm told, just part of human nature it seems... but its driving me crazy. Can you imagine trying to rub out red wine stains from a white linen bedsheet? That's my every minute of every single day.
Like playing a whole song but you keep getting one note wrong... or you're just a little off beat, off tempo.. and the whole thing is not too bad really but it's driving you mad...you're almost loosing your mind. You know you're being insane, but you really can't help it.
You don't know what I'm talking about do you? Didn't think so. Doesn't matter.
I stare into the mirror every morning...and I see a distorted face. I'm ugly. My face is mishapen, my nose is out of proportion. My hair never settles right, my eyes are too wideset, my foreheads got no width, and my neck is a little stub. Sometimes I feel like breaking the damn glass. I don't want to see into my own eyes.
I see emptiness. I see imperfection. I see evil.
And I have the urge to destroy. So many times I've grabbed my shaving blade and just gazed at it, half delirious - contemplating, wanting to slice my face up.
My body and the torment I inflict on it is another story entirely. Piercing and tattoos to try and cover up my insecurities. You know this can become a disease. I think it already is... Day's go by and I starve myself just to be 'presentable'. I can't stand the flab on my body.
I make love to my boyfriend in the dark, because I don't want him to see my imperfections. Such a patient man, he is so tolerant of so much, I couldn't bear to lose him. And if he sees me I know he'll leave me. I don't want to disgust him.
There are days I walk out of the door to go to work just like any normal person and then with a fleeting glace I'll catch my reflection somewhere, some surface be it the car windows or the glassy table top and then I'd just satre. Like a trance I'd be lost in thought... that is on other outer surface. Inside I'm burning with shame and humiliation. Why did I have to be born looking this way. I'll torture myself by staring longer until I just can't take it anymore and I run back up to my room... lay there and cry for hours...
But I don't feel the time passing.
Years go by and nothing has really changed. Paranoia, excessive fear, insanity - what ever you wish to call it... this obsession with my self... the vanity... it's robbed me of everything I ever cared about. The man I loved. My friends, my family - any social life at all.
And I engulf myself in the neverending darkness.
So it is my own doing. Some people call this self imposed solitary confinement selfishness. Some call it cowardice. No one understands the pain I feel is very real. The blade I cut myself with, it offers temporary consolance.... the scars make me feel better... for a while, it makes me feel beautiful.
I know you're thinking I'm twisted. I'm not normal. Who says your perception of normalcy is right? Humans declare what is moral, ethical and normal. I'm a human just like you. How can you claim superiority over me? Your opinion is right? Says who? Oh, you? And what the fuck makes you more 'knowledgeable' than me. Fuck education. It's all a farce.
I'm not stupid. I'm not crazy. This is me. I'm the cracked bead at the end of the chain.